I don’t want to race.
I’m tired.
I feel rundown.
I don’t want to see people.
I just want to curl up and read.
But I’ve signed up, so I’ll go.

I don’t know where anything is.
The air is hot and heavy.
I don’t run well in the evening.
I pick up my number.
I get changed.
I hide in my car.

I feel silly warming up next to fast people.
I avoid conversations.
I’m uncomfortable waiting for the start.
I listen to the race brief.
I start running.
I want to get sub-25 today.

I hate running round the car park.
I hate there jostling for position.
I hate how fast the 25 pacer has gone off.
I feel broken already.
I’m glad I warmed up though.
I just don’t want to race.

I’m way behind at 1k.
I hope the marker was wrong.
I need to keep pushing.
I start to feel stronger.
I’m only just behind at 2k.
I start to believe.

I struggle with tiny undulations.
I worry that there might be more.
I barely notice people cheering.
I’m getting tired.
I try to keep focused.
I’ve slipped a bit at 3k.

I hear my 2 mile beep.
I know I need to give it my all.
I don’t know if my all is enough.
I start to get stomach cramps.
I’m so close to time at 4k.
But how fast can I run the final 1?

I turn back onto the main road.
I pass the 25 minute pacer.
He says we’re 15 seconds ahead.
I know he’s wrong.
I start to feel sick.
I might not actually finish at all.

I turn towards the finish.
I see the clock.
I give it my all.
I know it won’t be enough.
I keep going.
I don’t want to.

I watch the number tick over.
24:57, 24:58, 24:59, 25:00, 25:01…
I cross the line.
I didn’t make it.
I’ve failed.
And I feel really really sick.

I walk to my car.
I have a drink.
I text a couple of people.
I try to take it all in.
I try to tell myself I’ll do it next time.
But will I want to try again?

I get changed.
I buy cake and squash.
I talk to nice people.
I tell them I failed my goal.
I admit that my PB had been 25:41.
They remind me I did really well.

I eat and drink.
I start to feel better.
I drive home.
I think about my new 25:03 PB.
I didn’t want to race.
But I did.